Unlocking Success: 28 Lessons for Personal Growth

I've been around for twenty-eight years now and over time I have learned things that have made me grow personally. Sometimes they are hard lessons that lead to better things and sometimes they are happy realizations. Of course, there are some that are in between which apply both ways. I hope to pass these lessons on to my son, A, so that he can learn and grow along with the lessons he's learning from his own experiences. Below is a list of lessons I have learned.

Make Yourself Necessary and you Will Always be Needed

This is one of those lessons that were a happy realization and also a hard thing to learn. At first, I found that making myself someone necessary made me feel like I belonged somewhere and had a purpose. It feels good to be needed. And I think that is sometimes okay to a point if there is a need for it rather than enabling. I have found that sometimes making myself necessary means that people depend on my completely in those ways rather than taking on the responsibility on their own when I need a break from being needed.

No Matter What Anyone Says, Being you is Enough

I used to roll my eyes when people would say things like this when I was a teenager. Clearly they had never been in high school, or had at least forgotten what it was like. Now, I have had more life experiences and have to realize that I really do not care what others think of me or who they think I should be. I have found who I am and am satisfied with that. People may think I am odd or have other judgments about me and that doesn't influence how I express myself anymore. What matters is that I am happy with who I am and there is value in that.

Your Entire Life can Change in an Instant

I think this has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. In one instant, you can be assaulted and left to deal with the trauma, a tragic accident can take your loved one, or an event can change your relationship with someone forever. For a long time this has left me filled with fear as I learned how little control I really have when it comes to these things. Even having seen some others having to experience some of these things leaves me filled with anxiety because I do not think I could keep going if I had the same experience. I have learned to manage this a bit over time but I also make an effort to not forget it because I never want to be caught completely by surprise. That would hurt too much.

A Good Laugh or Cry Always Makes you Feel Better

To allow myself to fully experience an emotion always helps me feel better. If I am truly having a good moment and something is funny, there are times when I find myself really laughing and it feels good because I am in that moment and I am happy. Many times when I am feeling sadness, I prevent myself from fully experiencing it because I am heavily depended on at work and home so I have to keep myself available to meet other people's needs. Sometimes at home or in the car between work and home, I just allow myself to cry and fully experience the emotion for about fifteen minutes. It helps me release what I am feeling so I can move forward.

Procrastination and Anxiety are Much More Related Than People Think

I have learned that when I find myself procrastinating, it is almost always because I am anxious about it. For example, if it is an assignment, an event I am planning, or paying a bill, I am putting it off because I am not sure how I am going to do it or if I will be able to do it so I avoid thinking about it or looking into it too much. I am getting better because I have learned that when I do finally get around to working on whatever it is, it is not as overwhelming as I thought it would be and that I am perfectly capable of figuring it out, even if it won't be perfect.

Don't Hesitate When you Should Act

There are times when someone may be physically attacked, hurt, in an emotional crisis, or be wrongfully invalidated. I have learned that these are times not to sit and think about whether I should or should not act or listen to other people's justifications about why it should be dismissed. These are times to jump in and act. I'd rather be there to help someone than regret not acting for a long time to come.

Life is a Journey, not a Destination

I used to find myself thinking and saying things like "one day." "One day" would come and then there would be a new "one day" to long for so "one day" never really came. I decided I want to live now. Right now, with all the imperfections, with all the dreams still in the works, this is where I want to live. I've found that there is more joy in watching myself and my family grow and experience things than there is in reaching the perfect "some day." I am living in the journey towards health, towards being able to run a full marathon, towards becoming a counselor, towards being financially stable. While I am looking forward to those days, I am happy with all the experiences that are taking me to those milestones.

Life Isn't Fair, but it's Still Good

There are things that happen in life that really suck. I have found there is still always a lot of good. Sometimes it feels like I am working way too hard to barely be able to pay the bills, and I find the financial struggles to be very humbling. Sometimes something really awful happens in the world, and there are many people who step up to be supportive and help each other out. Sometimes people are mean to people who do not deserve it, and there are opportunities for to interact with others who are kind.

Celebrate Your own Brilliance

There is nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments and unique talents as long as you aren't cocky about it. While I definitely don't go around telling everyone about everything I am proud of, I allow myself to be proud of myself internally. I used to really invalidate myself in anything I had accomplished by telling myself that others didn't care so neither should I. Now, I don't care if others care. I am happy with myself and I want A to be proud of his individuality and accomplishments. Some things that I have allowed myself to be happy about lately are: I am down eighteen pounds! I'm in graduate school as a first generation student! I have grown so much as a person!

Be Kind to People

Everyone, no matter what they have done, deserves some kindness. If we treat someone poorly because we view them as undeserving of kindness, then how are we any better? My thinking is that the world is not always kind, but we can demonstrate how to be. I want A to grow up in a world filled with kindness, so I want to contribute to creating a kind world through my own interactions and how I choose to raise him.

Live a Life True to Yourself

There's no point in living my life according to how I think someone else wants me to. In the end they are my experiences and it is me who I will have answer to if I reach the end of my life and feel dissatisfied. I live my life how I want to, according to what is best for me and my family and what I want to get out of my life. I am so much happier since I have come to this conclusion.

You Can't Please Everyone

This was hard for me to accept because I am a major people-pleaser. However, having learned this, I am much happier. Sometimes you can't make someone happy and maybe that is a good thing. There have been people in my life who take, take, take so I gave, gave, gave because I wanted to make them happy. Well, eventually I get burned out and when I can no longer give, they become unhappy and leave me behind. Now, I don't need to burn myself out to learn they don't need to be in my life. If someone can't be happy with what is reasonable or in accepting the truth, they can leave and I will just shrug my shoulders, close the door, and continue doing my thing.

Always Strive to Avoid Stagnation

To me, if I am not being productive in some way then I am wasting time. I interpret this lesson to be both literal in the moment and long-term. For example, I don't sit around and watch television all day. That would not be beneficial. Instead, I go on long walks to get exercise and spend time with A, I do homework to stay ahead in school, and I do dishes so that the sink doesn't get too full. Similarly, I do not want to stay in my current job position or way of being forever. So, I am constantly educating myself and finding experiences that will help me grow as a person and to reach my long-term goals.

Fear is an Illusion

Obviously, there are times when fear is very real and is there to tell you of very real dangers. In other ways, I have found that it is very much in my way of thinking. For example, I used to have a very serious fear of social interactions, while I am still working through some of it, I now know that people really aren't judging me so harshly and the consequences of appearing like an idiot in front of others are not too serious. Now I pretend I am really confident and have gradually become much more confident.

Remember That People Aren't Against you, They are for Themselves

This has helped me feel some relief. Sometimes people do things and I just think "what the F?" When I really think about it, people's actions are not motivated by some form of hate towards me, they are motivated by the interests of themselves. And that makes sense in a lot of ways. It helps me to not take things so personally.

"Why" is More Important Than "How"

Why we things is more important than how they are done. I find this idea of understanding why to be very helpful in understanding others. Sometimes people do really awful things and we feel disgusted. However, in trying to understand someone, it is easier when I understand why they did it. For example, a person steals from a grocery store. The reason why they stole from the store helps me understand better than that they stole. Did they steal because they were trying to feed their family? Or did they steal because they wanted to prove something to someone? Makes a difference.

Most People Would Rather not Solve Their Problems

People talk a lot about their problems and most don't make much of an effort to change the situation. They complain about their health, relationships with others, their financial situation, their living conditions, and yet often they do not do anything to solve these issues. I will admit, I am also guilty of this at times. When someone offers advice or suggestions, we quickly dismiss it and put the focus back on the problem.

Patience is Valuable

Things often improve or are more effective with some patience. If you can wait for things to play out before jumping in with all your concerns, sometimes things will work out better than you thought. Instead of jumping in with the answers to your spouse's problems, listen and validate what they are feeling and then they will come to that conclusion on their own. If you feel like progress is slow, stick with it a little longer and see where it takes you. Patience applies to a lot of things.

Treat Others as you Wish to be Treated

We are all human and want to be treated with respect. Why not treat others how you would want to be treated? I often do things for others, not expecting anything in return, but partially because I hope that one day if I were to be in the same situation, someone else would help me out in the same way. I view it as a good karma kind of thing. Do good and good will come your way.

Take Care of Your Health Early

If there is anything I have learned from all the brain-related books I have read, it's that your health habits of now greatly affect your health in the future. I want to have a healthy brain and body when I am older so I try to eat pretty healthy, get plenty of exercise, and manage my stress now. You can't wait until you are older to get your health managed because by then, there is much less than you can do. The time is now.

Pay Attention to Your Past Experiences to Help Guide Your Future

This can be done in both what you want to repeat and what you want to do differently. For example, I often look to my past to see what I have done when I have felt happiest, healthiest, and like a good person so I know what to keep doing in the future. I also look back to what I have done that has left me feeling anxious, depressed, and unhappy with myself so I know what to do differently in the future.

How People Feel About your is not About You

I have found a lot of truth to this. Sometimes people dislike me because of something that feels bad within themselves. Sometimes people really like me because they otherwise often feel self-conscious. Same is true for me. Sometimes I really dislike someone because they remind me of someone who has been cruel to me or because they remind me of something I dislike about myself. Sometimes I like others because they give me a glimpse of what I hope to be in the future.

Things Don't Make you Happy, the People you Enjoy Them With Will Make you Happy

I realized this as I've grown older. There's been movies, games, activities, songs, and other things that I thought I really enjoyed but then I do them on my own and find I am disappointed because it isn't how I remembered. Really, it was the people I enjoyed them with that made them so enjoyable. For example, playing the Wii was really fun growing up, now I have a Wii and a Switch and I couldn't care less. Why? Because they are not the same without my siblings.

Beauty is Everywhere

There is beauty to be seen in a lot of places and even situations. I often find myself driving or walking and think "wow! How lucky am I to live in such a beautiful place?" Usually these views are too often seen that I wouldn't otherwise notice them. A and I were on a walk today and we sat on a bench while he ate a snack. When he was done with his snack, I asked him if he wanted to keep walking. He said "no, can we just stay sitting here because it's so beautiful?" I love that at the age of four, he was able to appreciate the beauty. I see beauty in other things too. Sometimes I look at my house and think "what a mess! Why is it always a mess?" Then, sometimes I pause to think "how beautiful. One day I am really going to miss this." Because one day A will be grown and I won't see his Lego creations all over the house or his favorite toys in the middle of the room.

Don't Stop Learning

Learning is very good for your brain. It is also great for personal development. I love learning and am constantly reading and doing other things to continue learning about all kinds of things, but mostly psychology, health, the brain, psychological disorders, and such. I understand myself and others and have grown so much as an individual with all the learning I've done.

I'm far Smarter Than I Thought I Was

I honestly used to think I had below average intelligence. I thought intelligence was something you either had or you didn't. Over time, I have learned that I am capable of far more than I thought I was. Intelligence is something that can change. I have gotten almost all straight A's through my master's program, understand psychology better than most, and can apply my knowledge practically pretty well. I really thought if I ever got this far it would be by pure luck.

We get Treated in Life the way we Teach Others to Treat Us

I think there is so much truth to this. If we teach others that they can easily take advantage of us, that's what they will do. If we teach them that we will give, they will come when they are in need. If we teach them that we don't want to socialize, they will avoid us. If we teach them that we set boundaries, they will not push the boundary.

Optimism is Life Changing

It is probably no secret that I used to be a major pessimist. Maybe I still am a little bit. It has taken a lot of work and time but I would say I have become pretty optimistic in many ways. In making these changes, I have noticed I am so much happier and far less stressed. I can enjoy life without shutting down with depression or anxiety. I really hope this is something that I can pass on to A.

What lessons have you learned?

• Make yourself necessary and you will always be needed
• No matter what anyone says, being you is enough
• Your entire life can change in an instant
• A good laugh or cry always makes you feel better

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