3 Steps to Strengthening the Bond with Your Husband: My Personal Journey

If I'm being honest, there are times when I have felt very distant from my husband, C, and wonder if we will eventually turn into strangers living in the same house. That thought scares me and makes me sad. I have read books, tried my own experiments in what works and doesn't work, and listened to what my husband has to say. I wouldn't say that we were at a point where we hated each other or were seriously considering divorce, but rather there were times when we had disagreements that we didn't know how to resolve and we were busy doing our own separate things that we forgot who we were as a couple outside of parenting. Below is how I created a closer relationship with my husband.

Maintain a Meaningful Emotional Connection With Each Other

One thing I made sure to do was not let go of my emotional attachment to my husband. I figured that is likely something that gradually leads many couples to divorce. Instead, I remembered how I felt when we were teenagers and then even young adults. I couldn't picture my life without this guy and he was the most important thing to me. As relationships progress and life gets busy, this feeling is not as intense because the flaws become more visible. When I look back to when we were teenagers, I think about how I dreamed of marrying C, living in our own house together, having our own kid, and what our average day might look like. Now, my dream has become my reality. When I think about that, I notice I am more patient and am able to just enjoy little moments we have together.

Be Vulnerable

I've learned to let down the walls I built to protect myself so that we can have more effective communication and understanding. I realized I felt very frustrated with things that C did, but even more so, I was frustrated with myself because I would get defensive and place blame on C for anything that went wrong. As you can imagine, this didn't ever solve anything and what I was actually feeling was never communicated. Since I have been more vulnerable by being open about what I am actually feeling and thinking, C seems to understand me better and make adjustments on his end and he has also been more willing to be honest with me about things.

Respect for Privacy and Space

I've also developed some trust issues that led me to feel suspicious and controlling. For example, at times when money would be really tight, we would sit down and talk together and agree that we would spend only what was absolutely necessary. It didn't take me long to figure out when I would go to pay the credit card bill that I was the only one sticking to the agreed upon plan. After several years of trying to micromanage the spending, I've learned that I hate feeling like C's parent, I felt really angry when I thought about finances, I was too controlling, and I realized what I was doing would never get the results I wanted. Instead, I decided to stop interrogating C about every purchase on the credit card bill and only bring it up if it was excessive. I also communicated this acceptance for reasonable spending to him. As a result, I have found that he actually spends less and he makes an effort to put things back on the shelf when we don't need it when he has to make the decision, not me. The same is true when it comes to his video game use. If I nag him to get off and spend time with me, it feels more forced and he complains about it more. Whereas, if I leave it up to him to decide when to get off the computer, he is more likely to take responsibility for his own usage rather than relying on me to tell him when it's been too much. Changes like this have made us feel more like a team than a parent/child relationship.